


When we die, we become stars

by Crimsunflower



Category: Mo Dao Zu Shi, Mo dao zu shi (cartoon), mo xiang tong xiu - Fandom, modao zu shi - moxiang tongxui, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Genre: 13 years without wei ying, Angst, Drabble and a Half, Gen, I had to get my sadness out somehow, Lan Wangji and those 13 years, Not Beta Read, Sad, Story within a Story, WangXian, inspired by my sad headcanon, inspired by the spirited away soundtrack, lan wangji and lan xichens mum tells them a story, lan wangji pining over wei wuxian, madam lan - Freeform, seclusion, we die like wei ying, working out my feelings through a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimsunflower/pseuds/Crimsunflower
Summary: madam lan used to gaze out of the window and tell her sons stories about the stars and how every star had a story, a meaning. even the smallest. so xichen promises that once they master the art of flying swords, they'll take her to see the stars. she passes away before they can."every star has a meaning. a wish. a soul. a story of a love that once was pure and innocent," she whispers, her gaze fixed on the dark sky above. "and when we die, we become stars."the night she passes away, the brightest star shines above their mothers cottage. twinkling.wangji carries this with him throughout his lifetime. the night that the siege of the burial mounds happens and when wei wuxian dies. a shining red star sits against the dark blanket of night. twinkling, as if it's laughing. and wangji knows.. his wei ying is safe now..(A drabble based on my depressing head canon)
Kudos: 33





	When we die, we become stars

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this since early February and wasn't sure how to get it right. I hope this is adequate.

A blanket of darkness sits above the two siblings who are sat side by side as they gaze upwards, tiny yet bright pinpricks of light twinkling down at them from the vast high heavens. 

"Wangji?

Do you remember when we were children..? Mother would tell us stories… Of the stars?" Xichen questions in a gentle tone as they sit on the wooden steps of what had once been their mothers jingshi and now sat, empty and cold near the back of cloud recesses. 

Wangji turns to look at his brother, watching as he continues to gaze up at the sky, a gentle yet sad smile pulling at the corners of his lips. 

Their mother. He remembered that she was skilled at the zither, at calligraphy, painting and the xiao. Their mother, a woman who gave the gentlest of smiles and the tightest and warmest hugs that would smell like lavender, her laugh soft and gentle as she teased them and poked at their cheeks and noses, or when she found something that either of them had said funny. Her touch was warm and loving as she undid their forehead ribbons to gently comb through their hair. Humming softly as she did so. Her golden eyes filled with kindness and a fond warmth when she had looked upon her two sons. Proud at how fast they were growing up. Her eyes… Never betraying once how she felt inside. How she felt trapped and how the cold jingshi was like a prison after so many years of seclusion. Her shame at the sham of a marriage she found herself in. Her sadness that she wasn't able to see her two sons more often. Anger at her husband for trapping her here. But never anger at her sons. They were the light of her life. She eagerly awaited the many days when they would be waiting outside the jingshi, she would push the sliding doors apart. Allowing the warm sunshine to stream inside. Her smile was just as warm as she gazed down at them. "Here to see me again?" she would exclaim in a voice as soft as light, and as sweet as lotus seeds. The days where they would visit her jingshi and sit with her for hours on end. Telling her stories of their adventures and what they'd learnt that very month. For that day, every month, she was able to forget her sadness. Forget her anger. Forget her resentment for the man who promised he would love her and protect her. To forget how she was slowly growing weaker as the days, weeks, months and years passed by. Kept away in seclusion. Never to leave these four walls. 

"Mn.." Wangji answers, turning his head away slightly and looking down at the white gravel that was scattered on the hard ground, and almost resembles snow when his eyes blur ever so slightly. "She would tell us quite a lot of those." 

"Indeed," his brother replies, lowering his gaze to turn and look at his brother, the same smile still in place. This time tinged with something that looks like sadness. "She would tell us about how she wanted to go and see the stars up close. And how every single star in the sky was important and had a meaning behind them. No matter how big or small. No matter how bright or dim.." he trailed off into a thoughtful yet sad silence and he looked up at the sky once more. Wangji does the same, watching as the stars shine brightly. As one of the stars shines with a calm brightness, next to it a glowing red star glints. 

_Memories_ . _Wishes_ . _Souls_ . _We are all made of stardust_. 

  
  
  


❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

  
  
  


[Many Years Ago - Cloud Recesses] 

The soft clanking of wind-chimes echoes throughout the warm evening air. Air that carries the sound of gentle whispers and quiet laughter from the open window of a nearby jingshi. Tall gentians swaying in the breeze as a gentle voice speaks. 

"A-Huan, a-Zhan… come sit with mother."

The eldest of the two children rises from where he is sat, being careful to put the pages filled with neat calligraphy back on the table, before he makes his way over to his younger brother, taking his hand to lead him over to where their mother is sat, kneeling before the large circular window of the jingshi. A-Zhan gives a small yawn and rubs at his eyes with his free palm as he follows his brother, who comes to a halt next to their mother. A-Huan sits down and a-Zhan rushes over to the other side of her, practically plonking himself down and nuzzling into her warmth. Madam Lan gently smiles, golden eyes twinkling as she wraps her silk clothed arms around the both of them, ensuring that they are both warm and protected. 

"I remember when I was a little girl, my mother would always tell me the stories of the stars…" she begins, turning to gaze out of the circular window once more, eyes soft and distant. "There was one that she really enjoyed telling me quite a lot. About a God who descended from the mountain heavens one day. He had grown rather curious about the mortals of the below and wanted to experience their daily life for himself. He assumed that these mortals were just unintelligent creatures who couldn't tell left from right. Right from wrong. So when he descended, he found himself astounded by the intelligence that they possessed. Of course, it didn't measure up to the intelligence of God's but it was enough to make him think more kindly and more wisely…"

"What happened next?" A-Huan asks, peering up at their mother curiously and watching as she blinks. Madam Lan gives a soft laugh, patting her two sons on the tops of their heads. "Many years passed and the God found himself becoming one with the mortal's world. He was truly impressed that these mortal's seemed to create new inventions and pieces of art everyday… That they seemed to possess such power… But one day… he stumbled across a fair maiden. She was a beautiful maiden, with hair as black as the night and eyes as bright as the very stars that shine above. So ethereal that she may have even been a Goddess herself."

"Is the maiden mother?" A-Zhan whispers, sleepily rubbing at his eyes. 

She gives another laugh and gazes down at her youngest son fondly. "No… But I knew her once upon a time. She was very wise and very beautiful." 

"Mother.. who was this maiden?" A-Huan asks. 

Madam Lan turns to look at her oldest son, eyes filled with the same warmth and fondness. "They called her the maiden of the celestial mountain. With a spirit as untameable as the pearlescent river that flowed up this mountain. She had lived for many years… Some even dared to say that she had been around since the start of time itself, having seen the destruction and creation that the mortals brought with them…

"So, the God stumbled upon this maiden and he immediately fell in love with her. He had never been this captivated before. The same could be said for the maiden. Having lived many years, she had seen Gods and Goddesses ascend and descend from the mountain heavens, but she'd never seen a God become one with the mortals. In that very moment, they promised to become dual cultivation partners and many years later, the God and the maiden of the celestial mountain used their undying love for each other to conceive a little girl, with hair as black as the night and eyes as golden as the sky and as bright as the stars. The God had reached up into the heavens and plucked the stars from the sky. He saw the golden sunset that stretched across the blanket of the sky on the very day she was born and took that too and gave these gifts to his newborn child. Her mother gave her the untameable spirit of the river and the phoenix, and a laugh as sweet and gentle as gentians. These were her gifts to her sweet daughter. And so, for many years they lived in peace, tranquillity and happiness. God, the maiden and the angel… Husband, wife and daughter… Though many years later, word had made it to the heavens of the God's marriage and the birth of a child. The Goddess that had ruled alongside the God was furious at how she had been so easily replaced. How he looked at this mortal maiden and this mortal child with so much love and adoration in his eyes…" 

"What happened next?" A-Zhan whispers, watching as their mother smiles sadly as she looks out of the jingshi window and up at the dark sky, eyes fixed on the stars that twinkle down at them from high above. A-Huan does the same, blinking sleepily up at the sky. "Overcome by her jealousy and anger… She descended from the heavens one day and confronted the God, scoffing about how he seemed to be living so freely and leisurely like a human. How he seemed to enjoy such mediocre things when the heavens could provide so much more. How mortals would only age and wither away, unlike the immortals who would remain forever. How his maiden and child would surely vanish one day and leave him behind. She looked down upon the mortals and thought of them as less. They weren't immortal so why should she care about them and see them as an importance? How the God had grown so attached to such odd beings, it was truly a mystery to her. The maiden of the mountain who had heard the commotion came to see what was wrong and in that moment… Out of anger and hurt, the Goddess seized the souls of the maiden and child and threw them up into the sky where they settled among the stars. A mother and a child. _Ursa Major and Ursa Minor_ …"

No matter how many times he begged, she would not return their souls to him. She laughed as she watched him clutch at the soulless bodies of his wife and child. And then, she ascended to the heavens once more leaving him to grieve. Leaving him to destroy the world with yin and then reform it with yang… Light and dark. Life and death. All in the hopes that it would bring back what was lost. That it would bring back what had been stolen from him. That he would be able to see them again. But each and every time he tried, they would never return to him. Instead, shining down at him in the form of stars. Of course, he mourned and fell into deep despair for thousands of years, deciding to eventually build them an ancestral hall with an altar where three sticks of incense were burned daily. All under the watchful gaze of the God's, under the watchful and worried gaze of his maiden and his child. After many years of waiting to see if they would ever reincarnate and come back to him, he gave up and forsake his immortality. It bled into the rivers and he allowed himself to fade from existence. He allowed his soul to be painted across the sky. The story of his love and loss."

"One day, the daughter managed to descend from the stars in the form of an angel dressed in robes of white, hair as dark as the night sky and golden eyes shining and full of the stars. She took her place at the top of the celestial mountain, taking in orphans and teaching them the ways of her mother and father. Teaching the ways of the heavens… Turning them into perfect disciples. And there she lived for a thousand years and there, she still lives." 

A silence falls inside the jingshi. A silence only broken by the gentle sound of wind-chimes. Of the gentle breeze that brings with it whispers of the calm night. 

"A-Huan… A-Zhan… I want you to remember that… That every star has a meaning to it. A wish. A soul. A story of love that was once pure and innocent," she whispers, pulling her sons closer to her sides and sighing softly, sounding almost tired as she speaks. "When we die, we become stars. Our loved ones watch over us from above for thousands of years… Though… I can't help wishing to see the stars up close." A-Huan perks up as she murmurs this, smiling brightly and a determined glint in his hazel eyes. "When A-Zhan and I have learnt how to fly our swords, we can… We can take you to see the stars up close!" 

"En. Yes. We can," A-Zhan mumbles sleepily as he nuzzles against their mother, almost seeming to cocoon himself into the flowing, silken material of her robes. She gives a soft laugh as she finally looks away from the stars and the twilight sky, gazing down at her sons and smiling fondly. "Mn? Really?" 

"Yes!" A-Huan smiles. 

  
  
❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

  
  
  
  


The promise that had been made in the confines of their mothers jingshi never had a chance to be fulfilled. Seeing the stars up close was only a dream. A hope from someone who was only running on borrowed time. Someone who knew that this promise could not be kept. Many months had passed and many more visits. Death extended its hand and the warm-spirited woman took it, passing away peacefully in her sleep. Free at last from the confines of the jingshi that was more like a prison. A dove who's wings would no longer be clipped. A dove who could no longer be kept in the cage. The night of her passing, a bright star burns high amongst the dark canvas of the sky. 

" _Every star has a meaning. A wish. A soul. A story of a love that was once pure and innocent. And when we die. We become stars. We become stories of the universe, told over and over. We become the guardians that watch from above_." 

Maybe this is what eased the pain for both of the siblings. For the uncle who watched over them and cared for them. And the father who stayed inside his hanshi and grieved, living out his days of self seclusion. Maybe it eased the pain because even if she had departed from the realm of the living, she was still watching from above. Watching them burn three sticks of incense each in the Cloud Recesses ancestral hall. And on nights when the curtain separating these two realms was at its thinnest, her warm presence could be felt. Watchful and protective. Calm and loving. 

And many years later when the siege of Yiling's Burial Mounds had occurred, pulling Wei Ying through the curtain of the death realm, a shining red star had burned brightly in the dark sky. Glinting in a teasing fashion just like his grins and the sparkle in his dark eyes. Glinting in a teasing fashion like the boy and man Lan Wangji had once known. Had once fallen for and would always be in love with. The star was bright enough to be seen from the wide window of the jingshi that Lan Wangji had been secluded in. And the many nights that followed within those three years. Even after those three years. The nights spent playing inquiry, hoping and praying that he'd be able to reach Wei Ying's spirit. To be able to talk. To tell the man that he loves him. To find out where he was in the afterlife. The nights that ended with tears when inquiry had failed, when the strings of his guqin remained silent and unmoving. The nights of drunken fury, hatred and anger at those who had torn his Wei Ying away from him. The days where Lan Wangji was almost near-catatonic because of his grief, his agitation, his confusion and his restlessness. The days where his brother could only watch as he slowly wasted away. Especially after the three days Lan Wangji had spent on Burial Mounds, searching despite the deep and slow healing lacerations to his body. Trying to find some remnants of Wei Ying. 

_Something_! 

But there was nothing left. Not even a bone. Not even a scrap. Days that had ended with Lan Xichen breaking down into tears and begging for his brother to stop. To stop looking. Because there is nothing left.

_Nothing_!

Because Wei Ying is _gone_. 

_Gone_!

And then Lan Wangji had found A-Yuan, tucked away in the nook of a burnt oak tree. Small enough and covered in ash, Lan Wangji had almost missed the sight of the child in his frantic searching. But he had found the child. The child who had had such a terrible fever that he couldn't remember much before he had fallen sick and was found again. They had taken the child home and nursed him back to health. It had been a slow and steady road of recovery. And soon after Lan Wangji had spent two days kneeling outside his uncle's pavilion after he had asked for the Lan's to take A-Yuan in, that he would raise the boy as his own son. To make him a disciple of the GusuLan Clan. Because it was what Wei Ying would've done. What Wei Ying had done. His only reminder of Wei Ying left. The boy that he had looked after and called his own son during those years spent at the Burial Mounds with the last, innocent remnants of the Wen Clan. Living on borrowed time. 

After those two days, his uncle had shaken his head and waved his hand dismissively. "Raise him as your own then. He is your responsibility. Not ours. If you want to keep him and make him a disciple, then do it." Lan Wangji had risen from where he had been kneeling, thanking his uncle who had turned away, before hurrying off to find his brother who had offered to look after the young child whilst he had been kneeling. His son. Wei Ying's son. Their son. 

A-Yuan had been a reason for him to stay alive. Because life wasn't worth living without his Wei Ying. And if he hadn't found the child in time, then he would've taken his sword and ended everything years ago. But A-Yuan was and is, what is keeping him together. Even on the days where Lan Wangji is catatonic from grief and sadness. On those days where the child tugs at Lan Xichen's sleeve and asks, " _What's wrong with baba_?" 

Lan Wangji tells him stories of the famous Yiling Patriarch. Stories from memories of the man that haunts his dreams. Dreams that he usually wakes up screaming from. Dreams where he is begging for Wei Ying to come back to Gusu with him. Dreams that cause him to shake and cry. For his brother to wrap a protective arm around him and console him. 

He tells him about the bright white star that still burns and glows calmly. He tells him about the red star that still glints from above, watchful and teasing. He tells him about his mother. The calm and warm-spirited lady. Her kind and protective nature. Her stories of the stars. He tells him about Wei Ying. Wei Wuxian. The Yiling Patriarch. The Yiling Patriarch he knew deep down. Fiercely loyal and protective of those he loved. His jokes and stories that moved from one topic to the next, so fast that Lan Wangji found it hard to keep up and make sense of his Wei Ying. But he listened anyway. He sighed. Finally, his Wei Ying was safe at last.

  
  
❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

  
  
  
  
  


"Every star has a meaning. A wish. A soul. A story of a love that once was pure and innocent… A love that was never truly given the chance to flourish," he whispers, his gaze fixed on the dark sky above. "And when we die, we become stars."

"We do?" A-Yuan had asked as they sat in the jingshi, looking out of the window and up at the night sky. At the bright burning stars. 

  
  
  


" _We do. I know so_." 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
